As promised, although I doubt anyone is actually reading this but who knows, here’s my story.
Like I’ve said before, I started pulling when I was about nine years old. I had a stye on my upper eyelid that was getting quite nasty. My mother suggested that I pull the eyelash that was on the stye, to relieve the pressure and/or pop it. It worked, but I haven’t been able to stop since.
My mom now blames herself, but it’s really not her fault. I was like a ticking timebomb, I guess. After reading up about the disorder on trich.org and other various websites, I learned some of the earlier signs of trichotillomania, and I had all of them.
My parents told me that when I was little, I would constantly twirl my hair around my fingers, until I had a million little Princess Leia buns all over my head. Apparently, that’s a sign.
Also, when I was six or seven, I picked at my scalp, in the direct center of my head. I picked to the point that I had several scabs in a two inch diameter. Don’t ask me why I did it, because I honestly have no idea. Mom and Dad didn’t understand why I kept doing it, even though they yelled and punished me for it. Sign number two.
Like I said, I have no idea why I keep doing this to myself. It doesn’t hurt me like you’d think it would. It almost feels good, as awful as that sounds. It’s like an itch, and pulling that hair is scratching it. It hurts a little, but it feels oh so satisfying.
And it’s not that I like to do this, because I don’t. I feel incredibly guilty and mad at myself after each relapse, after each pull. I can’t stand myself at that moment. I just can’t help it sometimes.
That’s why I’ve decided to do my best to stop this. I’m going through detox, and it’s hell.
I wear gloves to bed each night to keep myself from pulling. Like I’ve said earlier today, night time is the worst time for me. It’s like I go into a trance. I literally do it without realizing it. The fuzziness of my gloves on my eyelids snaps me out of said trance.
During the day, my eyelids itch like a mo’ fo’. Especially when the buds of the new lashes are poking through. Now, I’ve got some real growth and I don’t have to take as many steps to make it unnoticeable (because random people noticing and pointing it out is HELLA embarrassing).
I wish I had started this blog at the beginning of this pull free journey of sorts. Then, I could have posted a ‘before picture.’ Now, posting an ‘after picture’ just wouldn’t make sense….so I won’t. Unless I relapse, which I hope does NOT happen! Either way, I’ll keep ya posted. :]
Thanks for reading (if anyone actually is),
—The Teenage Trichster
